My last YouTube video and Instagram post were over a month ago and to be honest I debated on whether or not I should share this on my blog.
I was in a pretty bad place for the last couple of months of 2017 and it wasn’t something I wanted to admit.
In short, I lost myself, isolated myself and became so uncertain of what really made me happy. I had no desire to accomplish anything, lost any sense of drive to even accomplish small tasks like get out of bed and would find myself in tears almost every day.

The only way I could explain the way I felt is comparing it to a hole in the ground I’m still undecided on whether or not I managed to fall in the hole or actually dug it myself but I was in deep. Sitting surrounded by dirt was myself and an unassembled ladder and an instruction manual. Even though I knew the task should have been more enticing than sitting in my hole, it wasn’t. I had no desire or urge to be above ground.

I feel weird talking about this and being so vulnerable, I could honestly go into more detail but this post would start to sound a lot like a manuscript from a psychologists office if I were to do so.
So instead I’ll end on, I made it out, what helped for me may not help for everyone but it took time, I read a lot, (I’m talking on average a book a week, sometimes a book a day even). I unexpectedly found new and genuine friendships. I met some of the most beautiful and true souled women I have met in years, one ironically being a counsellor (if that’s not a sign the universe will always give you what you need, then I don’t know what is.) I stopped online window shopping, I didn’t want to rely on materialistic items to cure me, I travelled and reconnected with myself, I spent time nurturing myself and gave myself the time I needed to sulk, hate myself, question myself, and eventually find myself.
It wasn’t easy and who knows if I will find myself in a hole again, but if I managed to get out once, you best believe ill crawl my way out again, ladder or no ladder.

Oh and here are some of my new year’s resolutions:
1. Practice yoga 
2. Meditate a minimum of three times a week
3. Read a new book each month
4. Make more of an effort on new and existing friendships
5. Say ‘yes’ more often
6. Travel more and document via my blog or YouTube
7. Complain less
8. Practice a positive mindset and the law of attraction

Disclaimer: I was so against this for years but it was actually fun and incredibly motivating to reflect on what I want from 2018, what are some of your resolutions?


  1. Claudia Muller
    January 31, 2018 / 10:24 am

    Thank you for sharing Caitlin <3 Putting it out there must have been very hard for you, and I admire your strength for doing so!!! I hope you get better every day. Take your time and don´t let anyone push you into feeling something you aren't ready for. I know from own experience that all the well meant "cheer up"-comments will not help until you feel ready to get out of that deep hole. It takes time, and that's OK! Lots of love and take care <3 xoxo Claudia

    • caitie.pawlowski@gmail.com
      February 4, 2018 / 10:07 pm

      Hi Claudia! Thankyou very much for the well wishes and suuport, I am glad you understand and can relate ♥
      I hope you are in a good place right now xx
      I wish you nothing but the best in your life and glad I have found another who understands how it felt/feels xxx

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